How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory
It's weird to be writing after so long. I recently had a conversation with my wife about how I just haven't been in a writing mood. I suppose that it's a good thing because I tend to write to clear my head. I tend to write when I'm overcome with emotion. I tend to write when I don't have the answers... and here we are friends.
In some ways I should not be surprised at grief, 2020 has seen so much of it; I just never thought it would arrive in this form. I'm a guy and I can never fully understand the pain a woman feels during a miscarriage; however, believe me when I tell you this is horrendous pain. Never could I have fathomed it working out this way.
What was pure joy and elation as I pondered the reality of becoming a father turned quickly to holding back tears at searing loss. It turned to taking a deep breath and holding my sobbing wife. Once again, I experienced the feeling of having zero control over the situation. How do I console my wife? How do I console the mother of my would-be child as she experiences a soul departing her womb? What else is there to do but grieve a child I will never know?
Friends, I don't have the answers. I don't have comprehension of the situation. Quite frankly, I don't want the cliches of "The toughest tests come to His strongest warriors" or "You might not have received this blessing, but there is a bigger one in store". Don't do that. Sometimes, the only takeaway from these situations is that grief and sorrow is part of life and we have the choice to trust that His ways are better. It's hard to make that choice if I'm being honest.
It's hard to think that the sun will rise. When I look at this in a vacuum, it's hard to believe the cherry-picked Psalm 30:5 when it says:
For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.
Joy comes with the morning? Does it? It's hard for me to trust that it does, but trust is built on experience. I have experienced His faithfulness before and I trust that He will remain faithful. I trust that this situation did not occur in a vacuum and that there IS, in fact, a larger story--much like Psalm 30:5 is part of a larger passage. David can make the declaration in verse 5 because of verses 1-3:
I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me. O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me. O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol; you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.
I know we aren't the first to experience this pain and I know that we won't be the last. Julie and I both agree that we want to be vocal and advocate for those in grief. We may not comprehend your situation, but we feel you and we are grieving with you. To the would be father who doesn't know what to do; I feel you and I am with you. To the would be mother, believe us when we say you are still worthy and still valuable and still lovable.
It was hard to really pick a song to go along with this post because so many have been on my mind. Yet, the best one I can think of is full of hope. It's less than two minutes long and just one verse that is repeated. The Sun Will Rise by The Brilliance.
The sun will rise, the sun will rise
Bringing life to the earth, as it springs from the ground
The sun will rise, the sun will rise
Won't you dry all your tears, lay your burden down?
Won't you dry all your tears, lay your burden down?
Sincerely,
A Broken Stick